Cold Feet

Rob and I celebrate our wedding anniversary in one week. I remember hearing all about getting "cold feet" before my wedding. I have to be honest, I never got them. I don't recall a single second of doubt that this was the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. When I look back I actually remember our wedding time being a time of discontent for me in every aspect of my life except that one. The only real thing I knew what that he was "the one".



Now 7 years later I think of "cold feet" differently. I recall getting cold feet when I was growing up. It almost always happened in the Fall when the windows were opened all day and night. We weren't used to putting socks on yet because we were still in Summer mode. When it got cool at night, I would go crawl in bed with my mom because I was cold and she would let me warm my cold feet up on her warm legs in bed. At the time, I remember thinking "I can't believe she would let me do this?" The last thing we want when we are all snug in our warm bed is something cold to touch our skin. But now, in the early mornings in our home, I have 4 little people snuggled up next to me touching their cold little feet to my legs and I don't mind at all. Yes, the touch of them is cold, but the fact that these little people want to nestle up close to me warms my heart. I know something now that my mom must have known then: These days won't last forever. So I will enjoy their cold little feet for as long as I possibly can!

Perfectly Ordinary!

Today we had one of those ordinary days that I know one day I am going to look back on and miss so much that my heart aches for it. I thought for that reason I needed to write a blog and document how perfectly ordinary it was!
Paige woke up around 7 to eat and Rob decided to let me sleep in a little bit. Despite my typical super hero ability to go back to sleep no matter what, this morning I decided to take the time to myself to read my Bible and take a shower without managing little people. When I came down stairs, all the kids were up and I could smell coffee in the house and hear the Saturday morning cartoons blaring! My favorite thing is Reese laying around in his Spiderman undies wrapped up in a blanket. The air was the perfect Fall chill but the sun was shining and anxious to get into the Autumn spirit, Rob had started a fire in the fireplace!
We debated with the kids on whether it was a pancake morning or a cinnamon roll morning. Cinnamon Rolls won (thank goodness...they are easier). Then while the big kids watched TV and Paige slept in her swing, Griffin helped me make 2 Apple Cakes. One for us and one to take out to Grandma and Grandpa's house!
Grandma LeAnn dropped by to pick Griffin up and take him to stay all night with her and Rob left to go play Golf with some old friends. I took Reese, Addison and Paige with me to my dad's farm to pick Apples and deliver the Apple Cake we made.
While we were at the Farm, Reese found a toad. This was a moment I watched him with such pride and disbelief that time has passed so quickly! When did this, my first baby, turn into this little boy carrying a toad around with him?! Reese made a house for the toad out of a box, filled it with rocks, grass and an old apple (to attract flies so he could eat) & of course a cup full of water. "Timmy the Toad" I'm afraid was in the wrong place at the wrong time! He was handled very rough for a good hour before I convinced a very sad little boy that Timmy was better off in the wild! About 25 minutes after he let Timmy go, he came up to me and hugged me as tight as he could and cried the most heartbreaking cry you could ever imagine. I think it would be an understatement to say Reese was attached to Timmy! In this moment I couldn't help but think that one day I would be hugging away similar tears and heartbreak caused by a girl. At that time, I am sure I will recall this moment of innocence with disbelief in how quickly the years had gone by.

Once we got home I decided to throw together a pot of chili and after not much consideration, I decided popcorn was a much more suitable meal! Reese and Addison ate popcorn for dinner and we watched a movie in the dark (aside from the fire in the fireplace). They decided they wanted to sleep in Reese's room together so of course after getting the giggles out, they fell asleep right away! It is now 9:00, Rob is still out with the guys! I am sure he is having a great time! He deserves it! I am enjoying the peace and quiet with a glass of wine and a girly movie!
This day is what American Dreams are made of. No huge event happened, no winning a big game, milestones weren't met, babies not born, trips not taken... This was just a perfectly ordinary day in our home and every single second of it made me realize that God is so present in this home and life of mine. I hope to never take any of it for granted!

Letting go...

This month Reese turned 5 years old! Wow! How time really does fly! I can hardly recall how he turned into this little boy. While I am now a seasoned pro at motherhood (if there is such a thing), I still feel like every day is an experiment. To be honest, most days I still have no clue what I am doing. Not just with Reese, but with all of them. Letting go and letting them grow is such a hard thing to do as a mother!
Reese is going through this stage where he is a big boy, but he's still a baby. Recently he has started to want to pour his own milk. Hmmmm....when a mother has to pour milk for everyone this seems like a great idea, but when the milk he pours goes all over the counter and floor and I have to clean it up, it seems like it would have been a better idea just to do it myself. He also wants to take a shower on his own, wash his own hair, brush his own teeth and go into the men's bathroom alone. Yikes!! How good am I at really letting go and letting him be independent?

Addison (3 and a half) is constantly testing boundaries and pushing her independence (remind you of anyone?). I love that about her and despise it all at the same time. Do I give in because she asked for a piece of candy using both "May I" and "Please" even after she asked her dad and he said no. Of course I don't, but it is so tempting! She loves to dress herself! Its so cute what she picks out just because her plaid shirt is pink and her striped pants are purple! Letting go of that one is so hard for me, because the pants that go with that plaid shirt and the shirt that goes with those stripe pants make the cutest outfit (with their respective other half). I almost always let her chose what she wants to wear even though I cringe the entire time! Photos will probably prove to be fantastic memories someday!

Griffin (18 months) just wants to run! He is what we call in our house a "ram rod". He is crazy!!! He has so much energy and is the happiest when he is running wild! He is famous for picking something up and throwing it across the room. Nothing has been broken yet, but I am guessing he will be the first to throw a baseball through a window. He bangs things, he throws things, he climbs things and he tackles things. It's nothing short of hilarious to watch his caveman-like instincts! Of course I need to teach him some control, but I want to nurture the fact that he is athletic and active and just let him go wild!

Paige is so little but still gaining independence every day! She is almost 11 weeks old (I think)...(I can't remember how many weeks old she is anymore. There are a lot of kids ages to remember around here! ) For example, she holds her own head up and smiles when we talk to her. Those are easy steps in her growing! Sleeping arrangements seem to be my problem! She still sleeps next to our bed in her car seat. She sleeps in her carseat because she has acid reflux, which none of our kids have ever had before. I could probably put her in her room in her car seat, but she is the last baby we will ever have in our room and I am just not sure I am ready to let that go.
Each step they takes toward independence is both rewarding and frightening all at the same time. I know that one day not far from now I will be sending them to elementary school, then junior high and eventually high school and off to college. I know all of those steps will be much harder than these little ones, but letting go is just not something mother's are equipped to do very easily! Hopefully by the time they are ready to get married and have children of their own, I will be ready....until then I will work on perfecting this task of letting go.

(not so) SUPER MOM!

For the last almost 5 years of my life I am going to admit it, I have been trying to be Super Mom. First it started when Reese was born and I wasn't going to ever going to let him eat baby food out of a jar, let him watch more than a half-hour of TV a day and there was no way we would ever have a DVD player in our car especially out running errands! More recently it has been by just taking on more and more and more without letting anything go!
Don't get me wrong, our children have some days where they do nothing but watch television all day long. But it's okay because "it's Preschool on TV"! Thanks Nick Jr.! Griffin not only ate baby food from a jar, but not too long ago we found him chewing on Paige's umbilical chord... That's a true story!! Nasty, but true!! We typically put a DVD in when we run errands so that Rob and I can get 10 minutes of peace and quiet so we can have a conversation! We have let some of those things go, but the day to day of being a mom who stays home, who keeps a perfect house, who greets her husband at the door, who runs a business from home and cooks a perfect dinner, I haven't let any of that go (not in my mind anyway).
While I make light of it, recently I have made another decision in the process to reform my "super mom" mentality. I have decided that it is actually a big deal to be the mother of 4 kids in 4.5 years and to run a business and a household at the same time. I am going to stop acting like anyone could do this and give myself credit where credit is due. But I am also going to start being real about it and make some decisions to make all of our lives easier! I am actually excited about the future in our home because I decided to hire a nanny!
I want to have time to focus on the things I love, God, my children, myself and my husband! That means I have to have help! Right now I try so hard to focus on all of those things and the truth is I am not very good at multi-tasking! I have had the kids at a sitter on Tuesdays for a long time and and it is known that in our house Tuesdays are a calm day for everyone! I want more Tuesdays!! I am looking forward to spending 100% of my focus on work during work time, 100% of my time on my family when it is family time and 100% of my time on me when it is me time! Focus breeds productivity and productivity breeds contentment!
I feel such a sense of joy and accomplishment both from being home with my children and from running my own business. I can't imagine letting either one go. Hiring a nanny will allow me to have the best of both worlds! And the best part is that I am going to stop pretending like I can take on the whole world! Super mom can be defeated...this is my attempt at making sure she isn't! :) Time to call in the forces!

Observations by my children

Paige is so sweet and cuddly! She is worth every stretch mark and extra pound that she came with! Even more priceless are the observations that have been made by my children in the last few weeks! Beware, the observations are rated PG! :)

1. Addison to a friend from church delivering a meal: "Thank you for the food, but Paige only eats milk from mommy's special boobies and you don't have special boobies".
2. Addison: I think Paige is pooping. Addison: She looks sad. Reese: Lets give her some privacy, that always helps me!
3. Paige has a herniated belly button. One night while I was giving her a bath Reese proceeded to tell me the anatomy of each person in our house and when he got to Paige he said "Paige has a penis and a vagina". (Lets hope he isn't telling his friends at school about this)
4. Paige's eyes have blocked tear ducts so they get goopey a lot. One night we were eating hamburgers and Reese was very alarmed and told me that Paige got mustard in her eyes.

These moments are so precious and so hilarious! I wanted to take a moment to write them down so that I don't forget how sweet and innocent my children are. There is no lack of laughter in our home as long as they are making observations! :)

A new Paige!

After writing my last post I went in to see the Doctor. After the ultrasound the Doctor thought that our baby girl was going to be around 9 lbs 11 oz! Wow...that's a big ole' baby! So after a very painful amniocentesis (that was supposed to tell us if her lungs were developed enough to deliver, but ended up being inconclusive), my (awesome) Doctor decided to go ahead and induce me right away because apparently having a 10 pound baby isn't good for your body in later years. I guess I will find out since Griffin was just under 10 pounds when he was born!
I was induced around 3:30 p.m. on June 2nd and on June 3rd at 4:55 a.m. (my longest labor ever) Paige Joanna (middle named after my mom Joann) decided to make her appearance. At 8 lbs, 5 oz. I was happy that she didn't meet that 9 lb 11 oz the Doctor had predicted. However, 8,5 is pretty big for 37 weeks so I was happy to have her out of me!

She has a head full of black hair and doesn't look much like our other babies. She, like all my children, is gorgeous and I fell in love with her right away. I have this fear that because of this instant falling in love that I do with my children, that I may be a little like that Duggar woman. I really fear that I will never really be satisfied with the number of children I have. It's a good thing I have a sensible husband. I could easily be talked into a 5th! He, however seems to have more sense than that! Even when I read that post that I wrote last week I can convince myself so easily that it was worth every ache, pain and hormonal imbalance that it causes.
I am utterly and deeply in love with my children! All 4 of them!
I know people think I am "crazy" or "brave". Whatever you want to call it, I think it's blessed. I can't imagine my life without any of them. I do feel a sense of completeness in our home now. Rob said it best yesterday when he said "I can't explain it but I actually feel like a grown up now. Not somewhere in the middle."


Reese, Addison and Griffin tell us about every other minute how much they love their new baby sister. Reese says "She's the cutest baby I've never seen." I never thought it would be possible to love your 4th child as much as you love your first, but your heart just grows. I didn't have any expectations bringing her home. I just knew that whatever God had planned he would get us through it. We have a long way to go before we really know what Paige will bring into this family. She has already brought more love into our home... something I never thought was possible!

The End is Near

Well, the end is near. Today we find out when the Doctor will induce me. I am wondering do I now have to change the name of this blog, because mark my words, I am done being pregnant!

I do think that God does this to you so that you will do anything to get the baby out. What is "this" you wonder? Well, at the current moment, my feet have no ankles to accompany them! I pee about 5 or 6 times a night. Which wouldn't really be that bad if there was any possible way to get comfortable after I pee, but this huge belly makes it nearly impossible to get situated and by the time I do, I barely drift off and then I have to pee yet again. Laying on my back literally takes my breath away and walking up the stairs feels like walking a mile. Without all of these aches and pains and discomforts, I may be scared to death to push this baby out, but at this point, if they take this baby from my nose I will be happy, just get it out of me!

I am sure that one day not long from now, I will miss being pregnant. I will miss assisting God in this miracle. I do enjoy the little nudges and kicks. It's like a little secret language between me and the baby. She's just saying "Hey mom, I'm in here, don't get too busy and forget about me!". And who can pass up the opportunity to eat whatever you want and not feel guilty! Sure being pregnant does have its benefits. But I am nearing the end of my child baring years and I am happy to do so. Everyone says you just know when you are done and I know. This is what God had planned for our family. 4 kids in less than 5 years is good for me. I am done creating new children!

This post is intended for that day 2 years from now when all my friends are having newborns and I hold one and say "I want another one". I will hopefully (very quickly) come back to read this and remind myself that being pregnant is a long and difficult journey. The problem is that no matter how many babies I have, they will all grow up into little people and eventually adults. I am looking forward to assisting God in that miracle. The miracle of growing God fearing, loving, compassionate adults. It is afterall a miracle in this world isn't it?

Webster's Dictionary has one definition of pregnant: having possibilities of development. So with that in mind, I guess I am eternally pregnant. The possibility of development will always lie in how we grow our children!